by popular demand (okay, well, at least i know one other person besides me who wanted to see this...).

from the book, reading the vampire slayer:

on the second season of angel, soul-restored angel is manipulated by wolfram and hart through his guilt and obsession with darla to the point of non-demonic nihilism: he abandons the collective (firing wesley, cordelia, and gunn) and attempts suicidally to destroy wolfram and hart. before his subsequent epiphany-- a realization that to regain his "path", he must accept the humble necessity of small "good works"-- he sought the totalizing moral solutions of revenge and obliteration (of wolfram and hart) and redemption (of darla).

i read this, and realized that this is a parallel to buffy, season five, and how this description of angel season two also speaks to it.

through the end of season five, buffy is depressed. her mom just died, she's facing glory who she can't beat, she now has to be the grownup in the house as well as being the slayer and she doesn't know how.

i do not mean slightly mopey. i mean suicidal.

and in the last episode, she seizes on committing suicide as a way to get out of her obligations while saving the world. this is, as quoted above, a totalizing moral solution, involving redemption for her, while saving both dawn and the world from obliteration.

however, it ain't that easy.

when season six opens, the rest of the gang is barely holding the hellmouth back. buffy, unlike angel, doesn't get an epiphany (or if she does, i'm not recalling it)-- she gets dragged back, and has to deal with being the slayer, being responsible, and being a grownup.

my friend xat brilliantly notes:

"I thought it was clear that Buffy was making a selfish choice, was seeking an escape, and I really liked that season six was about her hating it here, about her neglecting her friends and family and being self-destructive. The extent of her pain and how quiet and pervasive it is is such a nice contrast with the blowout of Willow at the end of the season, and how the two of them deal with pain at such different volumes."

xat, you need a copy of this book. i will lend it to you next time you're in town.

(p.s. not just brilliant because it agrees with me. i hadn't actually thought of it that way before.)