and then there are other things that i read that scare the hell out of me, like this post from anna.

Between Stupid And Clever: Left Wanting

The next day we were just having a moment with TLM and everything was pleasant enough, but it hit me that something was missing, or it wasn't enough, or something; I suddenly asked myself Is this the rest of my life? And is it enough? Can I ever have a moment like this with Casey and have it be what it is; have it be good, and right, and enough to fill up the spaces? Can I ever forgive him? Can he forgive me?* Is this just a futile exercise, this staying together? Is this it?


It wasn't a happy moment. It should have been a happy moment, parents and child, playing and laughing. I look back on the last two years, from pregnancy through today, and I am so angry and sad that I wasn't able to share them with a partner fully, deeply, lovingly. It makes me want to scream and hurt something that it's been such a constant battle, and that there is so much regret and distance and loss in a time, the first years of my child's life, that should have been pure joy, or at least a struggle that we went through together, instead of prickly and alone. I hear the voices of the other mothers in my life and I am desperately jealous. Their light contentment is a state of mind that I have never known, and that feels unknowable.

and i think, thank god i didn't get pregnant while i was with n. we were trying; we were trying when i left him. we had tried for a few months the year before, which ended up in our first venture into couples counselling and him assuring me that he was willing to have kids with me. but i didn't get pregnant, and whether that's due to one of us being infertile or due to other reasons that i am still angry about, i don't know. but even though i mourn that i will not have a child of my body, i am grateful to now not be six months pregnant (or more, or less) and alone; because i am certain that getting pregnant would have collected my thoughts very quickly, and i'd have left.