y'know, fuck it. i was writing this up to put it on lj, and why not post it here, too.

the post is titled if only i had a little tiny baseball bat.

...for little tiny beatdowns, of course.

apparently it's occurring to my subconscious that this whole divorce and moving thing is going on. i mean, not that i forgot, but i'd been more easy with it for a while. and now i am so angry.

the last few days i've let the dogs out in the yard to play, and the next door neighbors have been in their yard, and they run into the house to get treats for the dogs, and they love the dogs. and i'm moving away and taking the dogs with me in a week and a half. and they don't know. i am not going to tell them in person; i am thinking that i will take a picture of the dogs in their new yard and send a letter along with the picture.

and last night, i went and picked out shingles for the new house, and they're an okay color and they'll work fine with the color the house is painted, and it will all be good, but what the FUCK was i doing there making major house decisions alone, instead of with n?

and n's birthday is this weekend. and in the past i'd have made a big deal out of it; taken him out for dinner that night, been looking for good presents for a few months now, maybe have a new outfit to wear. but instead, i'm going to my parents' house for the weekend, and not having breakfast with him on saturday morning, because while i think i'd be able to deal with us being tense and weird at each other over breakfast, the part where he drives away and goes to his new girlfriend's house (did i mention that at the moment i hate her? she's not good for him, she's not nice to people in general, and i really only tolerated her moderately well before.) and stays there all the rest of saturday, all saturday night, and most of the day sunday (at least that's what i'm assuming he's been doing when he's gone all that time) would be too hard, and i'm going to go be somewhere else instead.

and i'm going to have knee surgery (a synovectomy, not very serious) this summer, and i am so angry and scared about it. the reason why my knee is this damaged at this point in my life is because i went off my arthritis drugs for over a year total. it was a deal i was glad to make at the time; you have to be off the drugs for four months before you can try to conceive, and we were going to try to have a kid. but the deal i was making was that i'd go off the drugs, the arthritis would do whatever it wanted to do during that time, and at the end of it, i'd have a baby. we'd been trying, for some value of trying that involved n being angry and resentful and throwing as many obstacles into the works as he could while telling me no, no, it was all fine, since before the littlest llama was born. it's not goddamn fair. if i have to have the surgery, i want to have already had a baby, to have to worry about how my partner will handle chasing a toddler on their own while i'm recuperating and on crutches.

and the last two times i've had surgical procedures, n has been there. i called him my security n. like a security blanket, only better. the last time i wasn't sure he'd be there. that he'd make the effort to get the time off of work and to come with me. but he did, and both of these times he was sweet and kind and distracted me and held my hand when i was scared and now i have to go do it without him and it's not goddamn fair and i am so scared about it and so angry with him because he won't be there.

and i am so angry angry angry.

comments from people referenced in this post who are not cme, mlf, or the littlest llama that i don't like will be deleted. go bitch about me in your own damn blog.