xat says, in re me talking about saying funny (to me, anyhow) things about my dad having been sick:

People, myself included, often ball up into a “if I don’t think about it it isn’t real” when confronted with really sick people. You probably already know this. Which means humor about sickness, about people who have been sick is confusing. If your dad didn’t remember wired because he was juggling eggs, people would find it funny. But being so sick that he didn’t remember, and you not remembering that, well, that makes me want to flee to a place where I would never have to go through that kind of thing. So the humor part is hard to see through the perception of the painfulness of that memory for you.

how clever. i hadn't thought about that.

i just got back from swimming and dinner with my mom afterwards. my mom and i talked about poly stuff, in particular, poly me and nathan stuff. it went well. my mom says she doesn't disapprove. (she also says that it's not her place to disapprove.) and she and my dad still love me. yay!

and on the going to russia front: i am leaving for russia next friday. i am having some people over to the house on wednesday night as a seeing me off sort of thing. if you would like to be one of those people, email me for the street address of here. betsy@cavort.org will do ya fine.

i am very sleepy and tired. i have not yet caught up on sleep from wiscon. wiscon ate my brain. i am, in the inimitable phrasing of sigrid, fried to shit.

and in astounding news, on my planet, "but he hit me first!" is still not a good excuse! for anything! ever!

and on a similar note, i had a realization this weekend while i was at wiscon. i was on the "alternative lovestyles" (i didn't name it; it's not my fault...) panel, and magenta was talking about the theory (which i happen to agree with) that jealousy is frequently masking a different emotion, and that if you can figure out what it's masking, then you can deal with that instead, which is usually a quicker way to solve the problem.

i was never ever jealous until i hit college. not a bit.

now i get jealous a lot.

and now i know why.

a few years ago, i got what turned out to be a relatively good piece of relationship advice.

if someone consistently badmouths their ex's, perhaps the problem is not consistently with their ex's. perhaps the problem is with them.

oddly, it didn't occur to me until this week how many ex's this particular person was badmouthing.

hmmmm.

a salon article, about the season finale of buffy.

full of spoilers. also full of good analysis. mmm.

here's my enneagram type.

TYPE FIVE: THE OBSERVER
Five's are observers: they have an overwhelming need to understand the environment and therefore are curious about everything. They tend to satisfy that curiosity by standing at the periphery rather than by getting centrally involved, or by investing heavily in their own units while sacrificing their relations with the larger organization. They frequently are knowledgeable in numerous areas and seem to enjoy learning purely for the sake of learning. This desire for knowledge may be generated by a need to protect themselves from an environment that they see as unpredictable or capricious. Five's use their knowledge as the raw material for building expertise, models, world views or organizations that serve as a home base for them. Not surprisingly, they are the most intellectually gifted of the types. In addition, they are highly independent-minded and are sensitive to outside forces that might deprive them of their independence.
Possible Origins. Five's felt intruded upon as children--their privacy stolen. Children who feel that they have to escape are going to find ways to distance themselves. One way is to stay in your room and close the door. Another way is to put up a wall of emotional distance by removing yourself from your feelings. Eventually you can learn to stand directly under the gaze of someone who is trying to pry into your life and not feel any reaction to their intrusiveness.

Flawed Five's find emotional involvement a problem. Part of this may be because they are thinkers rather than doers and thus less likely to be in contact with others, and part may be because they find it difficult to deal with the strong feelings that emotional involvement generates. They live with a sense of having limited resources and energy and of being easily exhausted by personal interactions.

As managers they may stand on the sidelines, functioning chiefly as knowledgeable observers, or they may create their own knowledge-based organizational Islands," which they then protect against possible incursion from the outside, especially on the part of powerful authorities. They are likely to supervise from behind closed doors -acting as decision makers who leave follow-through to others. Although they have good or workable relationships with subordinates, Five's often have underdeveloped or poor relationships with superiors and peers.

Well-adapted Five's have overcome their fear of the environment and by trusting it, they are able to put together observations, theories, and patterns in the environment in ways that others cannot They can do this only because they are able to hold in abeyance their need for structure while they formulate and develop new and often valuable ideas.

At their best, Five's as managers learn to relax their vigilant, self-protective posture toward the larger organization They put their considerable knowledge to work in conducting often highly original, even iconoclastic projects The instinct to hunker down serves them well because it leads them to give their all to their undertaking and to ignore or fend off criticism or attacks from the outside They are often the brains behind the scenes that stay cool while others distress.

Occupations. Among Five's we find theorists, inventors and engineers As managers they may gravitate toward staff functions They may also excel as line managers in starting a new and innovative organization, in spite of the doubts of others.


Finding Oneself.
Five's will probably agree with most of the following statements:
I tend to keep my feelings to myself.
I like to know what will happen ahead of time.
I don't know how to engage in small talk very well.
Intellectually I like to synthesize and put together different ideas.
I need much private time and space.
I often sit back and observe other people rather than get involved.
I seem to be more silent than most others People often ask me that I'm thinking.
I have trouble reaching out or asking for what I need.
If an issue comes up, I like to first work it out by myself, then go discuss it with others.
I like to put things in perspective, to step back and take everything in. If I leave anything out, I accuse myself of being so simplistic or naive.

take the antisocial test.


and go to mewing.net. because laura's feeling social.

i think that i may be the only woman in the country who weighs less than her drivers license says.

my license says two hundred and fifty pounds.

as of sunday, i weighed two hundred thirty five.

when i met nathan, six years ago, i weighed about two hundred fifteen pounds, and was taking drugs to help me lose weight. after he and i had been together for a while, the doctor wouldn't give me any more drugs, and so i went off of them and slowly started gaining weight again.

when i met sigrid, i was in sophomore year at college, and i weighed probably one eighty or one ninety.

i weighed probably about what i do now when i met james.

weight is a fraught subject for me. i know so many people who are trying to lose weight, or who wish they could, or whatever. my mom has in my memory always been fat, and now she's gotten her stomach stapled, to help her lose weight. my sister has been trying to eat healthier and to do her taebo tape, and she's lost some weight, and although it makes me nervous, it seems to be working out all right for her.

i've been going to swim therapy once a week for the past six months or so, and i really like it. it's good that i'm more active, and it doesn't strain me (well, except for when i get too enthusiastic with the karate kicks, and that's my own damn fault).

anyhow.

i'm quite enjoying being fat and happy and well loved. i think that this is a solution that would work for many more people than are willing to try it.

"make me what i was, so i can give her what she deserves."

--spike.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.

Economist.com | Comics in the movies


The urban planners now think the future lies in sprawling suburbs and satellite cities. But no superhero has ever come from suburbia.

so true.

Which Spike are you?

hee hee hee.

went to swim therapy last night, and due to the fact that my mom was at home helping my dad pack for russia, and abby got caught in an emergency change at work, i was there all by myself. well, i mean, there were six other people there in the class, none of whom i am related to. usually i am related to at least one if not two class members.

it didn't turn out too badly. people talked to me and wanted to know how things were going both with me and with my family. i talked about tiling the bathroom and worked out that it's my hamstring muscles that hurt.

(i also figured out who it is in the class ahead of me that keeps leaving their stuff in an unlocked locker. hello! if you're going to use a locker, lock it and take the key! if it's not locked, you're not there, and it's in my way, i will in fact move it! ah, well. i haven't talked to her about it yet, but every week i move her stuff. soon either she'll mine the locker or else take the key.)

my knees hurt, my wrists hurt, and my back hurts.

and i may have to walk across the street for lunch, unless i can find anyone who is willing to go procure lunch for me.

foo.

i am having a day where all i want to do is sing and sit around and eat worms.

bleh.

i just tiled more of the bathroom. wheee!

well, whee for having it done. not so whee for the sitting on the floor and having to scoot around on my butt and not being able to move much and having my legs and back hurt.

but whee for having it done.

life story bits, as i feel like posting them.

i was born in new york city. my dad wanted to live there, so off my parents went. i was born in the hospital near vicki's park. i'm the oldest. we didn't live in new york city for very long after i was born. i'm not certain how long exactly, but i recall being told that it was less than a year.

(maybe this should be the "my dog is cuter than you" blog. i shall think about renaming it.)

pirate luuuuuuuuuuuuuuvs mint. she loves mint lipgloss, and best of all she likes my peppermint foot lotion. it's disconcerting when you put the lotion on, and then there she is, licking up the lotion. (and then there's the screeching and the trying to discourage the dog from being quite so helpful.)

my mom used to work for the welfare department for the county we lived in when i was growing up. i worked there for a few summers while i was in high school and college.

did you know that in the break room, sometimes they tell stories about the stupid people who try and defraud the system? and the stupid things they do that get them caught?

(like, announce in a public, archived place that you're thinking about fraudulently applying for foodstamps?)

i've got a lot of respect for the system, as imperfect as it is. and a lot of desire to see the people who fuck with it caught and punished.

i love my pirate dog. have i mentioned that recently? what a pleasing dog she is.

when i talk to people about my dad having been in the hospital, sometimes it feels like they are unsure about what to do. i mean, for example, the other week, we reintroduced wired to my dad. they'd met before, but my dad was three days out of the hospital at that point, and, shall we say, a little wobbly. so i was telling people about this on thursday, and i mentioned it because i thought it was interesting and amusing, that we'd all momentarily assumed that he'd remember, and then we'd all remembered that no, probably he wasn't remembering that part of january too closely. anyhow. i thought it was funny in that laughing at myself sort of way, and it seemed like other people were uncomfortable. who knows.

i had a weird dream about a commercial for support hose.

when people talk to me about bad relationships they are in, i am never certain if they want me to make comforting noises and say "oh, that sounds difficult" or if they want my actual opinion on the situation.

(i know, i know, it depends. why can't i have a certain answer, i ask you?)

nathan and i went out for dinner to cafe un deux trois tonight. here's the review:

oh. my. god.

thank you.

i had a steak; i believe a hanger steak, but i'm not certain. it was very nice. it came with french fries. un deux trois has better french fries than mcdonalds. i kid you not. we had the cheese plate and the daily special appetizer, which today was scallops in pastry. i started out with a glass of wine that didn't suit, and switched to a mojito. (and they took the wine off the bill! very nice of them.) nathan had softshell crab with mango and blood orange sauce. it looked truly disgusting, but he was making little happy noises all through it. then, we split a strawberry crepe for dessert. mmmmmmmmmmm.

then, we went to go see spiderman. peter parker is a doofus. a kind, charming doofus with great hands, but a doofus nevertheless.

The Sacramento Bee -- sacbee.com -- Molly Ivins: Parenthood, at will

If you want to have kids, have kids. If you don't want to have kids, don't have kids. Don't do anything until you've lived long enough to make an intelligent choice. Don't leave the choice until too late. That's the advice from my hamster.

i [heart] molly ivins.

i had training on tuesday and wednesday. tuesday, i stayed home and slept through. i slept until 4pm. it was totally totally fabulous. wednesday, i went to class. it was on managing multiple priorities. i'm doing this big off and on all summer ibm leadership training thing, and that was what the class was for. i didn't find this one to be particularly helpful, though. ah, well.

this seems to be "why i read salon" day. i need to send these people money.



Salon.com Life | Bush's band-aid approach

"Take a Loved One to the Doctor Day" is a crusade that essentially pins the problem of healthcare disparities on the patients, as if they were somehow responsible for a healthcare system that often gives them second-rate care or shuts them out altogether. By preaching the virtues of checkups and offering redemption to minorities identified as medical slackers, Thompson ignores the roots of healthcare inequities -- poverty, institutional racism, lack of funding, and the shortage of services in minority communities -- and shifts the blame to the victims. He also sidesteps the very sticky matters of bias in the largely white medical profession, and the failure of HHS to enforce civil rights in healthcare.

wow. yes, exactly.

Salon.com Life | Check, please

I was angry with that waiter long ago because I was a competent economic actor and he treated me as if I were not. The waiter denied my competence because I was a woman out with a man.

even (especially) if this snippet irritates you, go read the rest of the article.

nathan's brother and sister in law had the baby. his name is dalton alexander caspian s. two middle names. at least the initials on this one don't spell anything funny.

he's a little cutie. christian (the big brother) is only handling it about as well as might be expected. but he's figuring it out.

i am going to demicon for the weekend. yaaaay!

see ya sunday night.

government isn't something that's done to us; it's something that we do.

yelling does, in fact, help. it's so nice of people to act like idiots so that i can yell at them. how pleasing.