well, that's done.

i am very very tired, though.

Seal Ends Up In Front Yard, Long Way From Ocean

he sang a song as he went, m. socks and i decided. the song goes

"scoot scoot scoot oh, I'm lost scoot scoot scoot oh, I have no legs scoot scoot scoot"

tomorrow (wednesday) evening n and i go sign the divorce papers.

and then there are other things that i read that scare the hell out of me, like this post from anna.

Between Stupid And Clever: Left Wanting

The next day we were just having a moment with TLM and everything was pleasant enough, but it hit me that something was missing, or it wasn't enough, or something; I suddenly asked myself Is this the rest of my life? And is it enough? Can I ever have a moment like this with Casey and have it be what it is; have it be good, and right, and enough to fill up the spaces? Can I ever forgive him? Can he forgive me?* Is this just a futile exercise, this staying together? Is this it?


It wasn't a happy moment. It should have been a happy moment, parents and child, playing and laughing. I look back on the last two years, from pregnancy through today, and I am so angry and sad that I wasn't able to share them with a partner fully, deeply, lovingly. It makes me want to scream and hurt something that it's been such a constant battle, and that there is so much regret and distance and loss in a time, the first years of my child's life, that should have been pure joy, or at least a struggle that we went through together, instead of prickly and alone. I hear the voices of the other mothers in my life and I am desperately jealous. Their light contentment is a state of mind that I have never known, and that feels unknowable.

and i think, thank god i didn't get pregnant while i was with n. we were trying; we were trying when i left him. we had tried for a few months the year before, which ended up in our first venture into couples counselling and him assuring me that he was willing to have kids with me. but i didn't get pregnant, and whether that's due to one of us being infertile or due to other reasons that i am still angry about, i don't know. but even though i mourn that i will not have a child of my body, i am grateful to now not be six months pregnant (or more, or less) and alone; because i am certain that getting pregnant would have collected my thoughts very quickly, and i'd have left.

i met dan while i was running the art show at fiddler's green. (actually, i met him at breakfast at fg, but then we were about to go set up art show. despite being kinda skinny, he's good for hefting things. just in case you were wondering.)

he writes not just travelogues of his life on line, but actual essays about things he's done and how he feels about them.

[happily ever forward] 05 This is what I want.

this one almost made me cry. i think why isn't everyone like this? why doesn't everyone understand about the tradeoff between independence and intimacy and that you don't really get both at once?

I was the most independent person I’ve ever known; I walked away from entire classes of friends with nary a look back or a fleeting nostalgia, not out of maliciousness but simply because it was no longer convenient for me to hang around with them.

And when I found someone with whom I could connect, with whom I could give up my independent ‘I’ for a bound ‘we’, I jumped at the chance. And that has been my salvation. I could have died so many times over, and ultimately would have, had I not finally found what I was looking for on all those trains and from the tops of all those high-risers: dependent belonging.

i don't actually want to clone dan; for one thing i've already dated a tall skinny blond dan and dating another would be weird. for another, in pictures his kids are wearing catholic t-shirts, and i suspect not in a post-modern hip ironic sort of way, which would be difficult. but reading this makes me wistful.

i just got steps for the tiny tiny pirate dog from these people, and pirate looooves them. she now naps on my bed all the time. well, all the time that she's not looking out the window yap yap yapping.


Welcome to StepsforPets.com:

Chances are your dog or cat's favorite spot to take those long naps is a couch, your bed, or that cozy chair. As you know there's only a few things that would stop this daily pilgrimage to that long overdue nap. One of those roadblocks is the height of the bed, couch or chair.

and now, up she goes!

the only downside is that it's moderately ugly beige, but we make these sacrifices for the ones we love.

it looks like i need to go out and catch up on a few ani albums, because she's writing about my life again. it's been a while since she's done that, since i had just recently figured out that i was queer and just recently figured out how to be feminist and angry and was in the middle of a big old relationship mess.

now she's just recently gotten divorced, and she's again sucking lyrics out of my life.

bubble

when i said this was what i wanted
did you think i thought it would be fun?

no, i hated to pop the bubble
of me and you
but it only held enough oxygen
for a trip or two
to the moon and back again
oh but i remember when
our love had such grace
we were floating above this whole place

every time someone else has done this makes it easier for me to remember that i can do this, too.

Web of Letters

Spelling betsy:

(Via the Yahoo API. By Google Blogoscoped.)

cool.

i came into work today to a very pleasing note on my monitor.

"Dear Betsy,
laura took me in to her wrk.
from Colleen"

from my favorite six year old.

the portion of my life where i was able to go to bed at a reasonable hour seems to have gone away again. there was at least one week in there, possibly more, where it would get to be about ten pm and off to bed i'd go. but not currently. it's one am, i've been wanting to go back to sleep since i got up this morning (at about 1115am) and here i am, on the computer after having played about ten "just one more game"s of spider solitaire.

those of you who have been divorced before, please feel free to write me email and tell me when this particular bit of suckitude ends.

as for now, spider solitaire is shut down, all web browser windows are shut except for this one, and i am at least going to walk away from the computer in hopes of going to bed.

the portion of my life where i was able to go to bed at a reasonable hour seems to have gone away again. there was at least one week in there, possibly more, where it would get to be about ten pm and off to bed i'd go. but not currently. it's one am, i've been wanting to go back to sleep since i got up this morning (at about 1115am) and here i am, on the computer after having played about ten "just one more game"s of spider solitaire.

those of you who have been divorced before, please feel free to write me email and tell me when this particular bit of suckitude ends.

as for now, spider solitaire is shut down, all web browser windows are shut except for this one, and i am at least going to walk away from the computer in hopes of going to bed.

i was going to say "hey hey, am not!" until it got to the always orders the same thing part. which, uh, i do.

dicepool.com: "

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

"

found on lj in various places, a list of things that are true and not true about me. true ones are bolded, not true ones aren't.

dear mom, dad, and other relatives: probably more than you wanted to know, right here. just warning you.

I miss someone right now.
I watch more TV this year than last year.
I love olives.
I love sleeping.
I own a home.
I love to play video games
I wear glasses or contact lenses.
I have done something illegal.
I have watched porn movies.
I have been in a threesome.
I have been the "psycho ex" in a past relationship.
I like my handwriting.
I have acne-free skin.
I curse frequently.
I have a hobby.
I have been to another country.
I have been told that I am very smart.
I can be paranoid at times.
I have changed a lot over the past year.
I carry a weapon with me everywhere I go.
I have broken a bone.
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
I love rain.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I have tried sushi.
I have been to Las Vegas.
I have at least one brother and/or sister.
I am usually pessimistic.
I have mood swings.
I think prostitution should be legalized.
I think Britney Spears is pretty.
I have kissed someone of the same sex.
I have rearranged these lines so I don't have to make so many bold tags.
I have been in a real relationship.
I have rejected someone before.
I was born in a country other than the USA.
I shave my legs.
I have a twin.
I have Caller I.D. on my phone.
I am good at styling other people's hair.
I have cheated on a significant other.
I have a hidden talent.
I am currently single.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I love to shop.
I would classify myself as "ghetto".
I am obsessed with my LJ.
I don't hate anyone.
I am a good dancer.
I am embarrassed to be seen with my mother or father.
I have a cell phone.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
I currently have a crush on someone.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I have changed a diaper.
I am allergic to something deadly.
I have a lot to learn.
I have dated someone 10 years (or more) older or younger than me.
I am very shy around the opposite sex. (note from b: also the same sex. shy in general, that's me.)
I have been rejected by someone.
I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
I have avoided work to play with my blog. (Doing it right now.)
I have had the cops called on me.
I bite my nails.
I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
I, as a child, learned "the difference between boys and girls" with a neighbor or friend.
I enjoy country music.
I think that Pizza Hut makes the best pizza.
I watch soap operas on a regular basis.
I love my friends. (note from b: as a friend recently said to me, when i was busy melting on her about a recent breakup, love isn't something to be stingy with.)
I am a perfectionist.
I have had a crush on somebody I have never met.
I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.
I have been to Europe.
I have had sex with someone I was not in a relationship with.
I enjoy smoothies. (ew ew ew ew ew.)
I love Michael Jackson - scandals and all.
I have watched the television show "Spongebob Squarepants".
I have dated a close friend's ex.
I am content as of this moment.
I have gone scuba diving.
I play a musical instrument.
I strongly dislike math.
I am procrastinating by filling out this list.
I own and use a library card. (not currently using it; i should get back to that.)
I have seen "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy.
I have seen the television show "The O.C."
I am resentful that I have to grow up. (i like being a grownup. i like being able to be responsible. i like making my own choices. other than having to pay my own electric bill, what's not to like?)
I like eating Ramen noodles.
I am currently suffering from a broken heart. (bent, and seriously, but not broken. it'll heal up.)
I consider myself to be a "nerd".
I am left handed.
I have had major surgery.
I have a pet.
I own 100 CDs or more.
I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.
I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor.
I am currently in my pajamas.
I have tried a drug that is illegal.
I am a cuddler.
I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" girl/guy. (wrong for me? yeah. working on it, though.)
I will try anything once.
I am a Republican.
I am Catholic.
I am a college student. (again!)
I like to cook.
I like to vacuum.
I collect picture frames.
I like Shakespeare.
I like to sing.
I practice a religion that is not considered "mainstream". (well, i'm out of practice, but yes.)
I have counted down the days until the summer.
I have fulfilled someone's dare at a party or gathering.
I am, or was, pigeon-toed.
I have been to an anime convention.
I have a hard time paying attention at school.
I have a car.
I am an only child.
I work at a job that I enjoy.
I sleep a lot during the day.
I like the taste of blood.
I have swum in the ocean.
I like being the center of attention.
I know how to shoot a gun.
I am currently pregnant.
I have all my grandparents, none of them have died.
I have had my hair cut within the last week.
I enjoy jazz music.
I am a morning person.
I have watched "Sex and the City".
I am married. (yes, but not for long. which reminds me, time to call the lawyer again.)
I want to get (re-)married. (shacked up, yes. married, no.)
I am a huge fan of lists.
I currently regret something that I have done.
I read books for pleasure.
I believe that life is not worth living unless you have friends to share your experiences with.
I'm a virgin.
I think long strings of html code look cool.
I do not believe people are inherently good or evil, rather they are inherently lazy.
I love learning foreign languages. (i am not any good at it, but i love it.)
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.

also, the dogs are both asleep on the loveseat with me, and the little one is snoring and the big one is on the back of the loveseat over my shoulders chasing moose in her sleep. how can people not love dogs?

the weekend update, by me, age 32.

i had dinner with n. on friday night. dinner and icecream afterwards were fun and good; talking afterwards was useful. useful in that excuse me while i tear my heart out of my chest and tapdance on it sort of way. i now have a more solid idea of what is and isn't going to be happening between he and i in the next six months (yes: dinners occasionally. no: anything else.) and of what he wants out of life at this point, which would be a) a divorce, and b) no kids.

saturday was more cheery. got up, spent some time on the computer, went out to lunch with lt and zannd. we went to the tgi fridays with the cute butch waitress, but our suspicion is that she has found another job. sad! then i went out to pick up the first half of my girl scout cookies from a woman who i used to work with, and i got to meet her two sons (i'd already met her daughter) and i spent some time talking with her and her husband. it was nice to catch up with them, but there was also the part where they live the sort of suburban life that makes my eyeballs itch. next i went off to cheshirekate's so that she could enter my tax information for me; she is doing taxes for n and i, seeing as n and i couldn't manage to do the taxes without fighting previously, this seems like a good idea. lots of sitting around and talking, and kitten (chesh's daughter who is six) greeted me at the door of the apartment building and then raced up the stairs saying 'betsy's here betsy's here betsy's here!', which was very happymahappymaking. she's a good kid, and it's nice to know that she remembers me. after lt fixed some computers and chesh worked on some taxes, we went off to lake street garage to meet fayde and kalikanzeros and toadnae for dinner, where i was thwarted in my desire to get tipsy by the fact that the waitress didn't bring me my cider until she brought me my food. darn her! everyone knows that the best way to get tipsy is alcohol on an empty stomach! ah, well. people came back to my house after, and there was much dog rumpusing.

sunday, i got up late, and went out to my mom's shop to look around and hang out with my mom. (my mom is good for hanging out with if you're depressed. just for the record.) while at the shop, i found a wedding present for miep and her girl. mwhahaha. it occurs to me that i have another wedding that i am invited to that is going to be even more shortly, but i think i am going to have to fall back on the target gift registry for that one. dinner with my family followed shortly, and then there was snuggling of my parents dog. who is a quite fine little dog, although somewhat stinky. and tonight has been full of working on wiscon.

so, overall, not too bad of a weekend.

the person who i got this link from called wicked_wish a modern day lysistrata. i just think she's brilliant.


wicked_wish: The great Stop Fucking Him post:

This is about women having sex, and who gets to be in charge of that sex.


Well, really -- that's what it all comes down to, isn't it? At present, there is a movement in place to make sure that (to lift a phrase from Dan Savage) men have orgasms, and women have babies.

There are people in this world who very firmly believe that this is the natural order of things: men have orgasms, and women have babies. This is a sacred balance, whereby a man is made happy for two minutes and a woman spends the next nine months serving as host to a life-threatening parasite, then the next eighteen years held legally, morally, and fiscally responsible for the health and well-being of that parasite ... while the man is free to wander off or stick around at his leisure.

This is a balance that many, many people -- many of them in positions of power -- are willing to go to great lengths to enforce. Never mind that many (but not all) of these people are men, and are therefore unlikely to be held accountable for any parasite more complex than a tapeworm ... for some strange reason or reasons, these people want to make sure that it is very, very difficult for your average American woman to manage her reproductive system.

Most of the people who object to the wide, easy availability of birth control are men. These men have the luxury of assuming this position because they have no reason to believe that they, personally, have anything at stake. I find this baffling.

The solution is so obvious that it can be boiled down to three words: stop fucking them.
That's right. Stop fucking them.

mama shannon and mom cole have some good news-- they are no longer Waiting for Nat, because nat is home! and beautiful! h'lo baby nat! welcome to the world.

put a name on your comments, people.

--the mgmt.

cuteness. overload.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

m. socks says "they try to escape! slowly!"

did i mention eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!?